Dirty Scraps...and another vein opens...

I've taken a short break from the blog hop, but do not fear I will be back at it tomorrow! I did finish two other challenge's today. This lo has been a long time coming and I'm sure it won't be the last of it's kind...this particular subject will be a reacuring theme in my B.O.M. book...amazing as it may seem this is the first time I have ever scrapped this particular subject...I'm glad one lo is done. I'm not looking forward to what will surely be just as painful as this lo was to complete. I don't think I would have attempted this subject if it had not been for the challenge from Dirty Scraps. I know I'm always saying how much I love these ladies and this blog...but this is just even more proof that it's not just great challenges they really encourage and...well challenge me to open a vain so to speak and scrap the me on the inside...the deep dirty raw real me. So here is some more of me. You know you wanna know more!! I made this lo using the Sassy lil' Sketches sketch challenge...I changed it up a bit...as always just to fit it all. TFL! If you don't know about Sassy lil' Sketches you should take the time to find out about them. They have the cutest sketches. I just love a Sassy lil' Sketch! I will be back to the Let's Scrap blog hop tomorrow so come back and check that out!
The journaling is impossible to read due to the colors I chose so the journaling is below the pic.



Fact: I will never be pregnant.
Oh, even now 9yrs after the first time I heard it I still get tears in my eyes. I still have to physically calm my breathing or remind myself to breath. I can remember almost nothing of real importance about that day, just silly off the wall things. I remember the obnoxious and expensive suit the dr. wore. I remember the shiny gold and two tone blue tie around his neck. I remember the disgustingly cheery looking animals on the nurses scrubs. I remember there was half a tank of gas in the car. I remember feeling the hope that had been in my chest fall away. As if I were treading water in an iced over pond and I knew my reach wasn’t long enough…I began to fall away into the dark frigid waters….of hopelessness. Something in me shut off or down. I knew I would never ever be the woman who walked into this office again. In an instant I was an entirely different person. My entire life had just been altered.

Fact: I have a child.
I wouldn’t trade her for the world…not even for the opportunity to be pregnant. She truly is my own personal gift from the universe. She is proof a woman will sacrifice everything for another woman.

Fact: Appreciating the child I have doesn’t make the hurt stop.
I will never know what it’s like to tell someone I’m going to have a baby. I will never know what a baby feels like from the inside. I will never have the chance to see my baby on a little TV screen. I will never get to hear my babies heartbeat for the first time. I will never watch my beautiful body change and grow to encompass my child. I will never know the spiritual bond with the universe a woman feels after growing life.

Fact: I will never give birth.
I’ve seen it. I’ve heard about it…in FACT hearing a woman tell her “birth stories” used to be one of my most favorite things. I used to torture myself by watching all the “baby shows”. Now I just try to avoid the topic all together. I have given up friendships…good and treasured, simply to avoid the pregnancy issue. I would spend no time ever with a pregnant woman for the rest of my life, excluding my daughter of course, if I thought it would help ease the pain or want.

Fact: I always knew.
My mother told a story my entire life that when I was about 6 I told her I wasn’t ever going to have kids. She asked me why I didn’t want kids. She thought is was strange because I was already fascinated by small children everywhere. I told her I did want to have children, I just couldn’t. When she asked why I couldn’t my reply was I don’t know ask the dr. My mother asked the dr. he said everything was fine I was just talking about things I knew nothing about. Being that not one woman for the last 3 generations had ever had reproductive issues my mother left it alone and the entire incident was forgotten for years.

Fact: No matter who tells me otherwise I feel defective.
I can smile and congratulate a girlfriend for a new pregnancy and mean it. I do mean it. I don’t begrudge any other woman the joy of pregnancy. However I am so jealous I could scream. I am so hurt and angry that life isn’t fair and that was not in my life plan. I get so upset when I hear about teenage girls throwing babies in trash cans, or smothering their own children. It’s not fair. I live with this feeling of unfair hurt, anger, aggravation and pain every day of my life.

Fact: Time heals all wounds…slowly.
Healed….I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t think the pain and hurt and anger will ever go away…it has lessened or I have adjusted to the limp and have learned to live and walk with it.

Little known fact: Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and actually think for a second I could get pregnant. Then I remember I can’t so I won’t…..ever.
Perhaps if I tell myself it’s a fact long enough, I will start to believe it, and begin to hurt less. For now I just open the steel door it’s stored behind when it get’s a bit full or tight let some out as much as will. Then I close it back up. Like a boil it slowly fills back up with grotesque oozing puss of hurt, pain, anger, and disappointment.
It’s a FACT of my life.