Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Dirty Scraps...and another vein opens...

I've taken a short break from the blog hop, but do not fear I will be back at it tomorrow! I did finish two other challenge's today. This lo has been a long time coming and I'm sure it won't be the last of it's kind...this particular subject will be a reacuring theme in my B.O.M. book...amazing as it may seem this is the first time I have ever scrapped this particular subject...I'm glad one lo is done. I'm not looking forward to what will surely be just as painful as this lo was to complete. I don't think I would have attempted this subject if it had not been for the challenge from Dirty Scraps. I know I'm always saying how much I love these ladies and this blog...but this is just even more proof that it's not just great challenges they really encourage and...well challenge me to open a vain so to speak and scrap the me on the inside...the deep dirty raw real me. So here is some more of me. You know you wanna know more!! I made this lo using the Sassy lil' Sketches sketch challenge...I changed it up a bit...as always just to fit it all. TFL! If you don't know about Sassy lil' Sketches you should take the time to find out about them. They have the cutest sketches. I just love a Sassy lil' Sketch! I will be back to the Let's Scrap blog hop tomorrow so come back and check that out!
The journaling is impossible to read due to the colors I chose so the journaling is below the pic.



Fact: I will never be pregnant.
Oh, even now 9yrs after the first time I heard it I still get tears in my eyes. I still have to physically calm my breathing or remind myself to breath. I can remember almost nothing of real importance about that day, just silly off the wall things. I remember the obnoxious and expensive suit the dr. wore. I remember the shiny gold and two tone blue tie around his neck. I remember the disgustingly cheery looking animals on the nurses scrubs. I remember there was half a tank of gas in the car. I remember feeling the hope that had been in my chest fall away. As if I were treading water in an iced over pond and I knew my reach wasn’t long enough…I began to fall away into the dark frigid waters….of hopelessness. Something in me shut off or down. I knew I would never ever be the woman who walked into this office again. In an instant I was an entirely different person. My entire life had just been altered.

Fact: I have a child.
I wouldn’t trade her for the world…not even for the opportunity to be pregnant. She truly is my own personal gift from the universe. She is proof a woman will sacrifice everything for another woman.

Fact: Appreciating the child I have doesn’t make the hurt stop.
I will never know what it’s like to tell someone I’m going to have a baby. I will never know what a baby feels like from the inside. I will never have the chance to see my baby on a little TV screen. I will never get to hear my babies heartbeat for the first time. I will never watch my beautiful body change and grow to encompass my child. I will never know the spiritual bond with the universe a woman feels after growing life.

Fact: I will never give birth.
I’ve seen it. I’ve heard about it…in FACT hearing a woman tell her “birth stories” used to be one of my most favorite things. I used to torture myself by watching all the “baby shows”. Now I just try to avoid the topic all together. I have given up friendships…good and treasured, simply to avoid the pregnancy issue. I would spend no time ever with a pregnant woman for the rest of my life, excluding my daughter of course, if I thought it would help ease the pain or want.

Fact: I always knew.
My mother told a story my entire life that when I was about 6 I told her I wasn’t ever going to have kids. She asked me why I didn’t want kids. She thought is was strange because I was already fascinated by small children everywhere. I told her I did want to have children, I just couldn’t. When she asked why I couldn’t my reply was I don’t know ask the dr. My mother asked the dr. he said everything was fine I was just talking about things I knew nothing about. Being that not one woman for the last 3 generations had ever had reproductive issues my mother left it alone and the entire incident was forgotten for years.

Fact: No matter who tells me otherwise I feel defective.
I can smile and congratulate a girlfriend for a new pregnancy and mean it. I do mean it. I don’t begrudge any other woman the joy of pregnancy. However I am so jealous I could scream. I am so hurt and angry that life isn’t fair and that was not in my life plan. I get so upset when I hear about teenage girls throwing babies in trash cans, or smothering their own children. It’s not fair. I live with this feeling of unfair hurt, anger, aggravation and pain every day of my life.

Fact: Time heals all wounds…slowly.
Healed….I don’t think I ever will be. I don’t think the pain and hurt and anger will ever go away…it has lessened or I have adjusted to the limp and have learned to live and walk with it.

Little known fact: Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and actually think for a second I could get pregnant. Then I remember I can’t so I won’t…..ever.
Perhaps if I tell myself it’s a fact long enough, I will start to believe it, and begin to hurt less. For now I just open the steel door it’s stored behind when it get’s a bit full or tight let some out as much as will. Then I close it back up. Like a boil it slowly fills back up with grotesque oozing puss of hurt, pain, anger, and disappointment.
It’s a FACT of my life.

12 comments:

Pinky said...

WOW SO AMAZING, I hope you feel a little release from scrapbooking it I feel for you I do. I agree there are some things that NEVER o away no matter how much you wish them to or someone says they will, they don't they last a lifetime

Katie said...

what an amazingly powerful layout! so honest.

Katie
Sassy Lil' sketches

MoMo sprnany said...

Pinky,
Thank you so much...it seems you do "feel" me...I do feel as if some of it has been put away...of course never gone, but perhaps put away.

Katie,
I adore the sketches on sassy lil sketches...Thank you for your kinds words and for stopping by!

Carla said...

You are really on a roll girl....totally LOVE LOVE LOVE what you did here and the journaling is GREAT. I am so glad taht you come over to the blog and play along with us and I love to see your pages.....keep up the good work!

Marlene said...

Wow.....that is an amazing, powerful piece of journaling. My heart goes out to you. I'm happy you've been blessed with a child, even if not your own. I am sure she brings you much joy. Beautiful, profound layout.

MoMo sprnany said...

Carla, Thank you so much for your kind comments...I don't think I could live without Dirty Scraps now.

Marlene, Thank you. She does bring us everything from joy to drama to attitude to sassiness...we have it all. I have really been blessed I try not to forget that when it get's bad...I'm off to read your blog...gotta get my daily laugh!

lara said...

thank you so much for sharing your story and your art! I love the layering on this and the way you fit all "the facts" on it.
I agree with the others when i say i hope you do find some comfort/release in these challenges and i look forward to see what you come up with next!

MoMo sprnany said...

Thank you Lara!

Haf Scraps said...

I applaud you for discussing this pain of yours and creating a beautiful layout from it. Very brave of you. HUGS!

MaRLeNeF said...

What a beautiful LO, thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope this helped in some little way :) Hugs, Marlene

Laurajean said...

Wow, your journaling is AMAZING girl...What a bEautiful layout!!
thanks for playin' along with us at DirtyScraps :)

MoMo sprnany said...

Thank you ladies for you kind comments.